I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
