like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
