I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
