Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
