just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
What did we do last night that was yellow?
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
