I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
