He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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