We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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