He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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