i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
