Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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