Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
