I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
