wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
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