Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
