He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Randomize
