i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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