forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
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