made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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