So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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