Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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