She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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