went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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