you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
