dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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