Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
