Will you blow on my dice?
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
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