just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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