so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
