Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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