i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
