He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
