Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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