I hate your face
somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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