it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
