I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
