Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
