Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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