Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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