I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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