and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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