The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize