Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
