I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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