Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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