I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize