I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
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