i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
that may or may not have been my penis.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
