Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I need a hoe opinion
go on
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
