The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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