Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
