Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
