I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
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