Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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