Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
