My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
