Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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