You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
