Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
