Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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