i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
