fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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